Tuesday, February 24, 2009

More Thinks I Think

-When you flick an ant, why doesn't it kill them? I have flicked this same ant on my desk 3 times. Hard flicks, too. I mean, I really got that guy. And he keeps coming back. He is like the Terminator. But a flick from my middle finger, to an ant, is like me being hit by an 18-wheeler at 200 miles per hour. Ants, amazing creatures.

-If I turn on the TV, and a soap opera is on, I rush to change the channel like it's porno and someone is knocking at my door. I don't know why. I just feel dirty.

-I keep seeing this commerical for Assurant Health. This one woman keeps saying, "I'm healthy. I just want to see my personal doctor once a year." The way she says "personal." She means her gyno, right? How often do girls see the gyno? Once a year doesn't seem often enough. Then again, I don't have to put my legs in stirrups and have a big metal tool spread me open. Once a year is probably more than enough. I would never go.

-Reminds me. I would be a terrible girl. I am just not good at keeping schedules. I would get toxic shock syndrome at least a couple of times a year. Can you die from that? Wow. You can.

-This is also why I worry about living much beyond, say, 55 years old. I am going to need to be a big time attorney with a couple of assistants to keep track of when I need to get my colon checked and all that stuff.

-Sticking with the subject. I have never met a single woman that sees a male gyno. I guess it's not like I ask every female I meet. But still... why would you? And, unless you are just a huge gold digger, if you're a girl and you meet a dude and he is a gyno, isn't that just a huge red flag? If I met a girl and she was a urologist... I mean. You might as well be a stripper. Or even a hooker. You get paid to handle wieners all day long. It's basically the same.

-Annnnnd, that's my cue to change the subject.

-I wish I watched Scrubs from the beginning. Solid show.

-You know you've been in law school too long when someone points out that you speak in "outline form" a lot, and you realize that they are right.

-I just realized that Pushing Daisies must have been cancelled. That is a damn shame. Terrific show.

-I am tired of this Kobe/Lebron debate. Laker fans are insane. Kobe is a better shot maker. Lebron is the better player. Period.

-I think the best intro to any two movies, in terms of getting me excited for the film, are: (1) The opening seconds of Back to the Future (with all the clocks ticking in Doc Brown's office), and (2) Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory (with all the chocolate being made. Mmmm).

-This commercial popped in my head just now. It's a classic. Note Alex Mack's older sister escaped the secret world.

-About...5 years ago, I finally saw Say Anything. Now, don't get me wrong. I am a huge wiener and that is a great movie. But... after years of seeing clips of the iconic scene where Cusack is holding the boom box up for Ione Sky in the rain while it played "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel, and assuming that Ione heard the music, came to the window, and then sprinted down for a passionate kiss in the rain (EDIT: It was not raining)...I felt entirely cheated by what actually happens in the movie. Ione IGNORES Cusack's romantic gesture and turns over to go to sleep. Granted, this is realistic as hell. I think most girls would even go so far as to scream "TURN OFF THE FUCKING MUSIC" and never talk to poor Lloyd again. Still. I mean, Pop Culture made me believe it was this great moment where Lloyd wins back the girl. Honestly, I felt betrayed. By Pop Culture.

-Having a brother named Sean, I have always taken notice of the many interesting ways that people spell that name. In my almost 27 years on this Earth, I thought I had seen just about every variation possible. Sean. Shawn. Shaun. Shon. Shonne. I thought I had found the winner a few years back, when I first heard of a baseball player who pronounces his name Sean but spells it "Chone." Yes, Chone. Clearly, a scholar. But today, via the power of Facebook, I came across a new one. I'm not sure if it tops Chone, but it gives it a run for its money, at least in terms of uniqueness. Schaun. Ok, it definitely does not beat Chone. But I still like it.

-I get pretty territorial about "my" holidays. "My" first holiday is St. Patrick's Day. As someone of Irish descent, I get...not quite irritated, but a little less than thrilled about people turning "my" holiday into a marketing bonanza/an excuse to get drunk. I am sure Ryan feels the same about Cinco de Mayo. As does Lisa. Since she is also Mexican. Looking. But I also am just not into Mardi Gras. As a raised Catholic, Mardi Gras has always seemed a bit crass to me. 1) I think 85% of people have no idea what it is for. 2) I've always felt that bingeing before a fast is cheating (I'm looking at you, Jews). 3) Frankly, I am not into the public-boob-flashing culture that has emerged. I always kinda feel bad for the girl. And I think about the fact that that is someone's daughter/sister/future mother/possibly current mother. I always just kinda shake my head (after wooing in excitement, natch). But so yeah. Back off of my holidays, bro. They aren't an excuse to get drunk. They MEAN something to me. Ok? Note: If you were unclear what I meant by "speaking in outline form," you got an example in this paragraph. Dangit.

-There's nothing funnier to me in politics today than the term "stimulus package."

-I wish I could give Michelle Obama my stimulus package. Hiiii ohhhh!