Tuesday, April 14, 2009

By Making it to 27 Full Years, Here Are Some People Who I Outlived

  • Joe C - Yes, Kid Rock's midget sidekick did not make it to 27.
  • Baby Huey - I included this one because I call Hewitt "Baby Huey" and I had no idea the name came from a singer. I even saw Baby Huey at Church on Easter Sunday and called out BABY HUEY before stumbling over people to say hi.
  • Otis Redding - Wow. He was only 26? I think he is the quintessential Old Soul. I would have guessed he was at least 45, based on his voice/lyrics.
  • Jean Harlow - One of the original starlets. Only 26? These comments are getting repetitive... what else is there to say?
  • Big Bopper - The day...the music...died...
  • Nick Drake
  • Gram Parsons - The Byrds and The Flying Burrito Brothers? This is only rivaled by Ryan West's resume of No Game and Shadaloo.
  • Sharon Tate - I am glad Charles Manson could make my list, in his own way.  Sharon Tate... so hot. Usually.
  • Brian Piccolo - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • John Wilkes Booth - haha. My favorite name on the list by far. Also, this is funny because Lincoln died on my birthday. Spooky.

I have mixed feelings about this list. On the one hand, it's nice to know that I lived longer than all of these people and I hopefully have a long life ahead of me to continue to do something with myself. On the other hand, most of those people accomplished so much (I stress "most" - Joe C, I am looking at you) - we have actresses, musicians, assassins - in less time than I have basically done a lot of not much.

Hopefully my next 27 years will be more productive than the first 27 years. Hey... maybe someday, I'll even make a list just like this.

Special Thanks to JoJo and http://dead.atyourage.com/outlived

Monday, April 6, 2009

Things I Bought (at Trader Joe's) That I Like, Volume I

  • Frozen Tortellini Bowls - I love these. They are not the most delicious thing in the world, but they are tasty, quick and easy. I think they are only around $4. They are a great quick dinner (5 minutes in the microwave), especially if you throw together a nice salad on the side.
  • Trader Giotto's Pizza 4 Formaggi - This is a fantastic frozen pizza. One of the best I've ever had. And it is only three or four dollars. I like it plain a lot. But even better than that, I chop up some fresh red bell peppers, red onions, and then sprinkle some feta cheeze before baking. The pizza cooks quickly (about 8 minutes, but add a couple minutes if you add the veggies) and is a great meal.
  • French Village Plain Yogurt - The best yogurt I've ever had, bar none. It has a nice sour taste. I can practically taste the live cultures as they slide into my belly. I like to throw in some seasonal fruits (apples, grapes, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, whatever you like) for a healthy and satisfying breakfast.
  • Extra Large, Jalapeno Stuffed Green Olives - Holy Mother of God, these are delicious. So tart with a hint of spice. I just ate a whole bottle, I am not kidding.
  • Fruit Bar Ends and Pieces - The other day I found something awesome. You know those sort of fancy, fruit roll-up type things they sell? Dried fruit bars, I guess. Well, I bought a bag of "Ends and Pieces" of the fruit bars. I guess, when they make the bars, they cut the ends off the big sheets so everything is uniform. And instead of throwing away the stuff they cut off, they wisely gathered it all up and threw it into a bag for me to enjoy. All kinds of different fruits. Mmmm.
  • Pre-Made Salads - These are pretty awesome. They are always fresh. I usually get 2 - one for lunch that day, one for the next. I get the Greek and Southwestern salads. The greek has lettuce, bell peppers, onions, feta, and a creamy greek vinaigrette. The Southwest has lettuce, bell peppers, onions, corn, black beans, cotija cheese and another good vinaigrette with a southwest kick. They are delicious and cheap - $2.99. You can't beat it for a lunch on the go. It comes pre-packed even with a fork!
  • Fresh sourdough baguette - Oh man. These are fantastic. Trader Joe's is farther from my house than Safeway, but the trip is worth it for the sourdough baguette alone. Simply divine. I like to eat it with a nice brie for a delicious lunch. It's so much more than just a baguette. That first bite... oh what heaven that first bite is. The crust like a golden breast of an angel, gently covering the soft, fluffy bread below. The flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then the brie! The most playful, soft cheese... so exquisite. Swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again. This is no mere snack of bread and cheese. This is God... speaking to us through food.

Basically, Trader Joe's is rad. There is always something new to try and I always walk out of there happy with my purchases. What do you like at TJ's?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Creepiest Dream I've Ever Had

*Editor's note: The following story is true (as much as dreams/nightmares can be true. I did HAVE the dream) and extremely disturbing. It is not for the faint of heart.

Last Saturday was a fantastic day. I woke up very early (for a Saturday, anyways...like 8am) on a fairly comfortable couch (thanks Phil!) and went to get my oil changed and my tires rotated. I sat in the very pleasant El Dorado Hills Town Center at The Coffee Shop Formerly Known as Habit and had a cup of tea. Later that morning, LZ and I washed our cars and then I got two (TWO) haircuts, the latter being a buzzcut. 


I went on a positively delightful twelve-mile bike ride around Lake Natomas. Bear in mind, I hadn't been on a bike for any extended period of time since the 5th grade, when my brother Patrick borrowed my bike and left it in the neighbor's driveway, whereupon the neighbor accidentally backed over it. Thanks, Pat.

That evening, I got on my fanciest clothes, including a pink (fine, lavender) shirt/paisley tie combo and had an absolute blast at Jeff and Kelly's engagement party. The day/night was action packed and almost entirely awesome.

And then I went to sleep.

In my dream, my "wife" and I decided to, for whatever reason, adopt a baby. But it was the future, and in the future you don't have to wait till a baby is born to adopt it. No, sir. In the future, you can adopt a baby before it is born. It is (annnnnd here's where it begins to get creepy) extracted from the mother's womb and then placed (annnnnd here's where it gets REALLY creepy) in a...plastic bag. This is...sealed with a light adhesive. I know. The bag serves as an incubator of sorts and the baby is not to be removed from the bag until the baby opens the bag itself. Sort of like a baby bird in an egg.

Oh, and the baby (inside of the bag, mind you) is to be placed in the refrigerator. Which doesn't make a lick of sense, of course, since a mother's womb is warm. But whatever, it's not like that makes any less sense than incubating a baby in a plastic bag, sealed shut with only a light adhesive.

Wife and I bring our unborn-but-not-in-the-womb baby home and place it in the refrigerator and go to bed. It's sort of like making Jell-O, when you think about it.

The next morning we go check on our Jell-O and, to our horror, the bag has become unsealed. We each blame the other. I quickly read the instructions on the bag. It says if the bag comes unsealed, rush the baby to the hospital immediately. But... instead of doing the sensible thing, we panic. The baby is now alive/conscious/alert and we think, "It must be hungry! We have to feed it!" So we make a bottle of baby formula for it and try to feed it, despite the instructions on the bag specifically instructing us NOT to feed it anything. I'm gonna be a great dad.

We then seal the bag back up and place it in the fridge.

A couple hours later I open the fridge and...I am horrified. The baby has regurgitated all the formula, which has turned sort of gelatinous and filled the top half of the bag.

At that point I wake up, horrified that my baby has asphyxiated on its own vomit.

I am sorry to have disturbed every person who reads this, but I felt it would be therapeutic for me if you all had to suffer like I did.