Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I Love the Workplace Poop Break

Look, I realize. I am way late to the party on this. I am 27 years old and I have my first corporate-like office job. Many of you have worked in that type of setting for years now. But, I am new to this. Which means I am new to the simple pleasures that make your day in a cubicle bearable. For me, and I imagine for many of you, one of my favorite new daily activities is the Workplace Poop Break.

I've been at my job for just over two weeks and I have pooped on the premises a handful of times. And it... is... glorious. I arrive at work usually right around 8am and immediately get to work... reading the news on CNN.com and MSNBC.com. It gets old, because so many websites are blocked. Even within those websites, many stories are blocked because they are seen as unfit to be viewed at my place of employment. Even though I'm not getting paid because this is an unpaid externship*.

Around 10:30, I start to get antsy. It's way too early for lunch, but I can't just sit here another 90 minutes, refreshing CNN.com every three minutes, hoping that something exciting happens. I think about using that last 50-cents in my pocket to buy a candy bar, but think better of it. So, to get away from the monotony of the cubicle, I stand up and walk to the bathroom, iPhone in hand.

Yup, I bring my iPhone**. What can I say... I'm a 21st Century Digital Boy, I don't got a lot of cash but I have a lot of toys. Etc. Instead of a newspaper or a magazine, I bring my iPhone and I check all the websites I can't check on the work computer - ESPN.com, the Cal Football site, Facebook, etc. etc. It's pretty fantastic. Depending on how fast the iPhone is loading webpages that day, I will sit on the pot a good 20 minutes after I have finished my business. Because why the hell not? I deserve that solo time, you know?

If the iPhone is being slow, I might do some brainstorming. Like, just the other day, I came up with an employment idea for the Fall. Hell, today I came up with the idea for this very blog entry that you are reading. And now you have the pleasure of wasting time at work/school/home by reading it. So, when you think about it, The Workplace Poop Break isn't just quality time for ME... it's quality time for US. Separately, of course.

There is only one drawback to The Workplace Poop Break. Although I have not had the misfortune of trying to enjoy my break while someone else simultaneously enjoys their break, I have had the unfortunate experience of walking into the bathroom mid-afternoon either during, or immediately after, someone else blew up the bathroom. The last two days, especially, have been terrifying.

But I won't begrudge my fellow employees their Workplace Poop Break. That wouldn't be kind of me. So I'll just hold my breath, and my tongue, and nod approvingly.

ADDENDUM, 07/08/09: This has been a horrible week. Maybe my blog jinxed me. Because suddenly my bowel movements are not on the workplace poop schedule. Instead, all week, I haven't had to poop until the evening. And that, my friends, makes me furious. When I'm at home it is MY time, and I don't want to waste two minutes of MY time by pooping. On top of that, it keeps me from wasting that time at work. It's a lose-lose for me. I've gotta figure out how to fix this.

*In fact, I am actually PAYING FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS for the summer for the pleasure of being denied the chance to read about the latest Ricky Rubio news.
**I don't care if you think that's gross. Don't borrow my phone?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

By Making it to 27 Full Years, Here Are Some People Who I Outlived

  • Joe C - Yes, Kid Rock's midget sidekick did not make it to 27.
  • Baby Huey - I included this one because I call Hewitt "Baby Huey" and I had no idea the name came from a singer. I even saw Baby Huey at Church on Easter Sunday and called out BABY HUEY before stumbling over people to say hi.
  • Otis Redding - Wow. He was only 26? I think he is the quintessential Old Soul. I would have guessed he was at least 45, based on his voice/lyrics.
  • Jean Harlow - One of the original starlets. Only 26? These comments are getting repetitive... what else is there to say?
  • Big Bopper - The day...the music...died...
  • Nick Drake
  • Gram Parsons - The Byrds and The Flying Burrito Brothers? This is only rivaled by Ryan West's resume of No Game and Shadaloo.
  • Sharon Tate - I am glad Charles Manson could make my list, in his own way.  Sharon Tate... so hot. Usually.
  • Brian Piccolo - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • John Wilkes Booth - haha. My favorite name on the list by far. Also, this is funny because Lincoln died on my birthday. Spooky.

I have mixed feelings about this list. On the one hand, it's nice to know that I lived longer than all of these people and I hopefully have a long life ahead of me to continue to do something with myself. On the other hand, most of those people accomplished so much (I stress "most" - Joe C, I am looking at you) - we have actresses, musicians, assassins - in less time than I have basically done a lot of not much.

Hopefully my next 27 years will be more productive than the first 27 years. Hey... maybe someday, I'll even make a list just like this.

Special Thanks to JoJo and http://dead.atyourage.com/outlived

Monday, April 6, 2009

Things I Bought (at Trader Joe's) That I Like, Volume I

  • Frozen Tortellini Bowls - I love these. They are not the most delicious thing in the world, but they are tasty, quick and easy. I think they are only around $4. They are a great quick dinner (5 minutes in the microwave), especially if you throw together a nice salad on the side.
  • Trader Giotto's Pizza 4 Formaggi - This is a fantastic frozen pizza. One of the best I've ever had. And it is only three or four dollars. I like it plain a lot. But even better than that, I chop up some fresh red bell peppers, red onions, and then sprinkle some feta cheeze before baking. The pizza cooks quickly (about 8 minutes, but add a couple minutes if you add the veggies) and is a great meal.
  • French Village Plain Yogurt - The best yogurt I've ever had, bar none. It has a nice sour taste. I can practically taste the live cultures as they slide into my belly. I like to throw in some seasonal fruits (apples, grapes, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, whatever you like) for a healthy and satisfying breakfast.
  • Extra Large, Jalapeno Stuffed Green Olives - Holy Mother of God, these are delicious. So tart with a hint of spice. I just ate a whole bottle, I am not kidding.
  • Fruit Bar Ends and Pieces - The other day I found something awesome. You know those sort of fancy, fruit roll-up type things they sell? Dried fruit bars, I guess. Well, I bought a bag of "Ends and Pieces" of the fruit bars. I guess, when they make the bars, they cut the ends off the big sheets so everything is uniform. And instead of throwing away the stuff they cut off, they wisely gathered it all up and threw it into a bag for me to enjoy. All kinds of different fruits. Mmmm.
  • Pre-Made Salads - These are pretty awesome. They are always fresh. I usually get 2 - one for lunch that day, one for the next. I get the Greek and Southwestern salads. The greek has lettuce, bell peppers, onions, feta, and a creamy greek vinaigrette. The Southwest has lettuce, bell peppers, onions, corn, black beans, cotija cheese and another good vinaigrette with a southwest kick. They are delicious and cheap - $2.99. You can't beat it for a lunch on the go. It comes pre-packed even with a fork!
  • Fresh sourdough baguette - Oh man. These are fantastic. Trader Joe's is farther from my house than Safeway, but the trip is worth it for the sourdough baguette alone. Simply divine. I like to eat it with a nice brie for a delicious lunch. It's so much more than just a baguette. That first bite... oh what heaven that first bite is. The crust like a golden breast of an angel, gently covering the soft, fluffy bread below. The flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then the brie! The most playful, soft cheese... so exquisite. Swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again. This is no mere snack of bread and cheese. This is God... speaking to us through food.

Basically, Trader Joe's is rad. There is always something new to try and I always walk out of there happy with my purchases. What do you like at TJ's?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Creepiest Dream I've Ever Had

*Editor's note: The following story is true (as much as dreams/nightmares can be true. I did HAVE the dream) and extremely disturbing. It is not for the faint of heart.

Last Saturday was a fantastic day. I woke up very early (for a Saturday, anyways...like 8am) on a fairly comfortable couch (thanks Phil!) and went to get my oil changed and my tires rotated. I sat in the very pleasant El Dorado Hills Town Center at The Coffee Shop Formerly Known as Habit and had a cup of tea. Later that morning, LZ and I washed our cars and then I got two (TWO) haircuts, the latter being a buzzcut. 


I went on a positively delightful twelve-mile bike ride around Lake Natomas. Bear in mind, I hadn't been on a bike for any extended period of time since the 5th grade, when my brother Patrick borrowed my bike and left it in the neighbor's driveway, whereupon the neighbor accidentally backed over it. Thanks, Pat.

That evening, I got on my fanciest clothes, including a pink (fine, lavender) shirt/paisley tie combo and had an absolute blast at Jeff and Kelly's engagement party. The day/night was action packed and almost entirely awesome.

And then I went to sleep.

In my dream, my "wife" and I decided to, for whatever reason, adopt a baby. But it was the future, and in the future you don't have to wait till a baby is born to adopt it. No, sir. In the future, you can adopt a baby before it is born. It is (annnnnd here's where it begins to get creepy) extracted from the mother's womb and then placed (annnnnd here's where it gets REALLY creepy) in a...plastic bag. This is...sealed with a light adhesive. I know. The bag serves as an incubator of sorts and the baby is not to be removed from the bag until the baby opens the bag itself. Sort of like a baby bird in an egg.

Oh, and the baby (inside of the bag, mind you) is to be placed in the refrigerator. Which doesn't make a lick of sense, of course, since a mother's womb is warm. But whatever, it's not like that makes any less sense than incubating a baby in a plastic bag, sealed shut with only a light adhesive.

Wife and I bring our unborn-but-not-in-the-womb baby home and place it in the refrigerator and go to bed. It's sort of like making Jell-O, when you think about it.

The next morning we go check on our Jell-O and, to our horror, the bag has become unsealed. We each blame the other. I quickly read the instructions on the bag. It says if the bag comes unsealed, rush the baby to the hospital immediately. But... instead of doing the sensible thing, we panic. The baby is now alive/conscious/alert and we think, "It must be hungry! We have to feed it!" So we make a bottle of baby formula for it and try to feed it, despite the instructions on the bag specifically instructing us NOT to feed it anything. I'm gonna be a great dad.

We then seal the bag back up and place it in the fridge.

A couple hours later I open the fridge and...I am horrified. The baby has regurgitated all the formula, which has turned sort of gelatinous and filled the top half of the bag.

At that point I wake up, horrified that my baby has asphyxiated on its own vomit.

I am sorry to have disturbed every person who reads this, but I felt it would be therapeutic for me if you all had to suffer like I did.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

In the Words of Three 6 Mafia... Azz and Titties.

Today, I took a walk and my brain, obviously, went to the topic of boobies. And I thought of Lisa's most recent blog entry. And I remembered something.

I think the male fascination with boobies has far less to do with some oedipal fantasies as Ryan and Lisa imply in the comment section.

I suppose you could do a study about men who like breasts (basically all of them) and how many of them were actually breast fed as children (certainly not basically all of them), to find exact numbers... but I think that's psychobabble bullshit.

Of course, what you're about to read is rather psychobabble bullshit, too. So sue me.

When I was a teenager I saw this show on TLC called "The Human Animal." It was a 2 hour special, as I recall. And it was amazing. They had cameras in vaginas during sex. CAMERAS IN VAGINAS DURING SEX. Most fascinatingly, they showed how, during/after sex, the cervix basically tries to slurp up the semen left in the vagina. I mean, it looked like a sea anemone or something. It would extend out and down, and then literally slurp up the spermies. It still boggles my mind. 

Ah, the miracle of life.

Anyways, the point is they had a segment on breasts. More specifically, they had a segment on the male fascination with breasts. And how that fascination is basically universal, across cultures, etc.

And they did a demonstration. They showed female cleavage of the breasts and the ass. Like, you know, the top of the ass crack. And they asked you to guess - are you looking at a woman's ass cleavage or breast cleavage. I think I got like 3 or 4 out of 10 right. It was crazy! When you block everything else out, ass cleavage and breast cleavage basically look the same. 

And that was their point. The male fascination with breasts has nothing to do with some creepy oedipal complex*. It has to do with the fact that female cleavage hits us (MEN) in an unexplainable (except for the fact that I'm explaining it now), instinctual way - when humans were mere animals, we... um... procreated using the uhh... rear mount approach. Doggystyle. We fucked doggystyle, ok?! And when you're doin your thing this way, what you see is the top of the ass. The ass cleavage. And it pretty much rules.

So when we see breasts, we see cleavage and it reminds us, unconsciously, of ass cleavage. Which reminds us, unconsciously, of sex.

*In fact, think about it, dudes. What is more awesome - a chick with a shirt on and fantastic cleavage, or a chick who is topless. Ignore the implications of what being in the same room as a chick who is topless means (you're so getting laid, bro) and just think of simply the image in front of you.  It's the cleavage, I am telling you. Cleavage effing rules.

Post-Script: I went to great lengths to find this, and I am glad I did. I hope you carve out an hour or so of your day to watch it all. In case you can't, you should specifically tune to about the 40 minute mark to see the cervix slurping the semen. Also, at around the 45 minute mark, they show that, while some sperm's task is to seek out the egg, other sperm have a different job. KILLING OLD SPERM. It's intense. Watch it. All.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

More Thinks I Think

-When you flick an ant, why doesn't it kill them? I have flicked this same ant on my desk 3 times. Hard flicks, too. I mean, I really got that guy. And he keeps coming back. He is like the Terminator. But a flick from my middle finger, to an ant, is like me being hit by an 18-wheeler at 200 miles per hour. Ants, amazing creatures.

-If I turn on the TV, and a soap opera is on, I rush to change the channel like it's porno and someone is knocking at my door. I don't know why. I just feel dirty.

-I keep seeing this commerical for Assurant Health. This one woman keeps saying, "I'm healthy. I just want to see my personal doctor once a year." The way she says "personal." She means her gyno, right? How often do girls see the gyno? Once a year doesn't seem often enough. Then again, I don't have to put my legs in stirrups and have a big metal tool spread me open. Once a year is probably more than enough. I would never go.

-Reminds me. I would be a terrible girl. I am just not good at keeping schedules. I would get toxic shock syndrome at least a couple of times a year. Can you die from that? Wow. You can.

-This is also why I worry about living much beyond, say, 55 years old. I am going to need to be a big time attorney with a couple of assistants to keep track of when I need to get my colon checked and all that stuff.

-Sticking with the subject. I have never met a single woman that sees a male gyno. I guess it's not like I ask every female I meet. But still... why would you? And, unless you are just a huge gold digger, if you're a girl and you meet a dude and he is a gyno, isn't that just a huge red flag? If I met a girl and she was a urologist... I mean. You might as well be a stripper. Or even a hooker. You get paid to handle wieners all day long. It's basically the same.

-Annnnnd, that's my cue to change the subject.

-I wish I watched Scrubs from the beginning. Solid show.

-You know you've been in law school too long when someone points out that you speak in "outline form" a lot, and you realize that they are right.

-I just realized that Pushing Daisies must have been cancelled. That is a damn shame. Terrific show.

-I am tired of this Kobe/Lebron debate. Laker fans are insane. Kobe is a better shot maker. Lebron is the better player. Period.

-I think the best intro to any two movies, in terms of getting me excited for the film, are: (1) The opening seconds of Back to the Future (with all the clocks ticking in Doc Brown's office), and (2) Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory (with all the chocolate being made. Mmmm).

-This commercial popped in my head just now. It's a classic. Note Alex Mack's older sister escaped the secret world.

-About...5 years ago, I finally saw Say Anything. Now, don't get me wrong. I am a huge wiener and that is a great movie. But... after years of seeing clips of the iconic scene where Cusack is holding the boom box up for Ione Sky in the rain while it played "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel, and assuming that Ione heard the music, came to the window, and then sprinted down for a passionate kiss in the rain (EDIT: It was not raining)...I felt entirely cheated by what actually happens in the movie. Ione IGNORES Cusack's romantic gesture and turns over to go to sleep. Granted, this is realistic as hell. I think most girls would even go so far as to scream "TURN OFF THE FUCKING MUSIC" and never talk to poor Lloyd again. Still. I mean, Pop Culture made me believe it was this great moment where Lloyd wins back the girl. Honestly, I felt betrayed. By Pop Culture.

-Having a brother named Sean, I have always taken notice of the many interesting ways that people spell that name. In my almost 27 years on this Earth, I thought I had seen just about every variation possible. Sean. Shawn. Shaun. Shon. Shonne. I thought I had found the winner a few years back, when I first heard of a baseball player who pronounces his name Sean but spells it "Chone." Yes, Chone. Clearly, a scholar. But today, via the power of Facebook, I came across a new one. I'm not sure if it tops Chone, but it gives it a run for its money, at least in terms of uniqueness. Schaun. Ok, it definitely does not beat Chone. But I still like it.

-I get pretty territorial about "my" holidays. "My" first holiday is St. Patrick's Day. As someone of Irish descent, I get...not quite irritated, but a little less than thrilled about people turning "my" holiday into a marketing bonanza/an excuse to get drunk. I am sure Ryan feels the same about Cinco de Mayo. As does Lisa. Since she is also Mexican. Looking. But I also am just not into Mardi Gras. As a raised Catholic, Mardi Gras has always seemed a bit crass to me. 1) I think 85% of people have no idea what it is for. 2) I've always felt that bingeing before a fast is cheating (I'm looking at you, Jews). 3) Frankly, I am not into the public-boob-flashing culture that has emerged. I always kinda feel bad for the girl. And I think about the fact that that is someone's daughter/sister/future mother/possibly current mother. I always just kinda shake my head (after wooing in excitement, natch). But so yeah. Back off of my holidays, bro. They aren't an excuse to get drunk. They MEAN something to me. Ok? Note: If you were unclear what I meant by "speaking in outline form," you got an example in this paragraph. Dangit.

-There's nothing funnier to me in politics today than the term "stimulus package."

-I wish I could give Michelle Obama my stimulus package. Hiiii ohhhh!