Saturday, March 14, 2009

In the Words of Three 6 Mafia... Azz and Titties.

Today, I took a walk and my brain, obviously, went to the topic of boobies. And I thought of Lisa's most recent blog entry. And I remembered something.

I think the male fascination with boobies has far less to do with some oedipal fantasies as Ryan and Lisa imply in the comment section.

I suppose you could do a study about men who like breasts (basically all of them) and how many of them were actually breast fed as children (certainly not basically all of them), to find exact numbers... but I think that's psychobabble bullshit.

Of course, what you're about to read is rather psychobabble bullshit, too. So sue me.

When I was a teenager I saw this show on TLC called "The Human Animal." It was a 2 hour special, as I recall. And it was amazing. They had cameras in vaginas during sex. CAMERAS IN VAGINAS DURING SEX. Most fascinatingly, they showed how, during/after sex, the cervix basically tries to slurp up the semen left in the vagina. I mean, it looked like a sea anemone or something. It would extend out and down, and then literally slurp up the spermies. It still boggles my mind. 

Ah, the miracle of life.

Anyways, the point is they had a segment on breasts. More specifically, they had a segment on the male fascination with breasts. And how that fascination is basically universal, across cultures, etc.

And they did a demonstration. They showed female cleavage of the breasts and the ass. Like, you know, the top of the ass crack. And they asked you to guess - are you looking at a woman's ass cleavage or breast cleavage. I think I got like 3 or 4 out of 10 right. It was crazy! When you block everything else out, ass cleavage and breast cleavage basically look the same. 

And that was their point. The male fascination with breasts has nothing to do with some creepy oedipal complex*. It has to do with the fact that female cleavage hits us (MEN) in an unexplainable (except for the fact that I'm explaining it now), instinctual way - when humans were mere animals, we... um... procreated using the uhh... rear mount approach. Doggystyle. We fucked doggystyle, ok?! And when you're doin your thing this way, what you see is the top of the ass. The ass cleavage. And it pretty much rules.

So when we see breasts, we see cleavage and it reminds us, unconsciously, of ass cleavage. Which reminds us, unconsciously, of sex.

*In fact, think about it, dudes. What is more awesome - a chick with a shirt on and fantastic cleavage, or a chick who is topless. Ignore the implications of what being in the same room as a chick who is topless means (you're so getting laid, bro) and just think of simply the image in front of you.  It's the cleavage, I am telling you. Cleavage effing rules.

Post-Script: I went to great lengths to find this, and I am glad I did. I hope you carve out an hour or so of your day to watch it all. In case you can't, you should specifically tune to about the 40 minute mark to see the cervix slurping the semen. Also, at around the 45 minute mark, they show that, while some sperm's task is to seek out the egg, other sperm have a different job. KILLING OLD SPERM. It's intense. Watch it. All.

No comments: