Why Can't I Be More Like Cheez-Its?

Forewarning: This will be somewhat depressing and self-deprecating.

And by somewhat, I mean very.


I wish I was a Cheez-It. I am sitting at my computer in my cramped new room (woo!), surrounded by boxes and blank wall space*. I am clandestinely eating these delicious Cheez-Its** and a thought occurs to me, "Man, I really freaking like Cheez-Its. I love them, in fact." I have loved them since...well, I can remember loving them when I lived in Newport Beach, which means I was around 5-7 years old. That's a long time. In all that time, Cheez-Its have stayed the same. They never let me down with their salty, Cheez-it-y goodness. I mean, I can eat Cheez-Its until the cows come home. I have to be careful, or I'll eat the whole box***. I can eat Cheez-Its and eat 'em and eat 'em and not get sick of them. A little bit of water if it starts to get pastey in my mouth, and I am good for another handful. Or five.

Unfortunately, I am not like a Cheez-It. I am like a Triscuit****. Now, don't get me wrong. I love Triscuits. But I can't eat a whole box of Triscuits like I can a whole box of Cheez-Its. When I first open that box of Triscuits, I am super stoked. "Triscuits...sweet." Sometimes I throw some cheese on there. Sometimes I eat them plain. The other day I dipped them in cottage cheese and it was delicious.

But, inevitably, the Triscuit cracker begins to wreak havoc on my mouth. They are quite the abrasive cracker. Sharp edges. Rough sides. Large. The roof of my mouth gets cut up. The salt begins to dry out my salivary glands, and coupled with the Sahara-like dryness that is the Triscuit, I am soon gasping for water. I usually end up choking on some loose, dry Triscuit fibers, and it takes me a while to recover.

I love Triscuits, but I pay the price for a Triscuit binge for a few days. I wish I didn't have to go through that. I wish I was a Cheez-It.


*I REALLY could use a Beatles painting/mural thing. Hinthint.
**Clandestinely because the landlord/roommate has a rule against food in the room. Shh!
*** Looking at the Nutritional Facts, that would amount to around 2700 calories. That would not be good.
****I realize this analogy isn't perfectly apt, because Cheez-Its do start to give me a stomachache after a while, but I am taking creative license here and limiting the analogy to the Cracker-In-Question's effect on my mouth only.