Written in the Key of Zine
Dear Scarlett's Bartender With the Sweet Painted On Beard and Steroidal Physique:
We didn't get off to a good start, did we? As I walked into an empty Scarlett's to celebrate my friend Jeff's birthday, you were seated at the table with my friends, and I figured you were what you are...a bartender who had made himself a little too comfortable. As I said my hellos, interrupting your oh so important run-down of the delicious "Ladies Libations" that your fine establishment has to offer, you shot me a dirty look and paused in annoyance. I really went too far, though, didn't I, when I stepped in between you and Kelly's line of vision to give her a hug. I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks, but of course you don't know that. You paused even longer this time and shot me a harder look and I thought that perhaps you actually know Jeff or his sister and you weren't on-the-clock for Scarlett's*. I politely apologized and sat down. You weren't having any of it.
You looked like Hulk Hogan when he was with the WCW** with that ridiculous painted-on-looking beard. And that's alright. We all make fashion mistakes. You'll look back at pictures one day and say, "Yeesh," as you and your wife laugh***.
When I went to get a round of drinks for the table, you looked right passed me, even though there were no other customers waiting to order drinks. It was early, and the bar was empty. But that's a good point. It was more important to cut some extra limes instead of taking my order. You can never have enough pre-sliced limes!
I stood there another five minutes, doing the usuals...head-nods, raised eyebrows, and everything else I could think of (short of my battle-tested raised hand. There was a cute girl right next to me, please!) and you twice took someone else's order instead of mine. Finally a second bartender came down from the other end and took my order. Thank goodness!
At the end of the night, I wanted to get my friend Jeffrey a shot of tequila, seeing as it was his birthday and all, and close out my tab. I stood there...for 10...fucking...minutes. Luckily, that cute girl was still there and I enlisted her feminine wiles to get your attention****. The second she turned towards you, pulled the front of her top down (it was a cute top, too) to reveal some more cleavage (and it was awesome cleavage), you turned toward her and she directed you to me. She sure was a nice girl. And hot. I don't blame you for paying close attention to her.
I asked you to close my account, and as you swiped my card, you overheard us laughing and me talking about how I never would have gotten out of there without the help from this beautiful girl and her feminine wiles. I know you overheard us because you turned to me, pointed to your ear and said, "I can hear you."
"I don't really care," I said.
And I didn't.
"I was just trying to compliment the lady," I said.
And I was.
I really should have gotten her number. Damnit.
Sincerely,
Thomas
*but of course you were
**thanks to Phil for that call
***Of course, she will be laughing through her fat lip and black eye that you so lovingly gave her the night before.
****I really did say, "Would it be possible to enlist your feminine wiles to get a bartender's attention?"
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3 comments:
Dude why did you guys go to Scarlett's? Probably would have been my last guess if you would have asked "where do you think we went for Jeff's B-day?"
Anyways, thats Folsom...I guarantee he went home that night, popped in his high school football highlight vhs and watched with his 19 yr old girlfriend at his mom's house.
Youre a real humanitarian Mr. Obrien, you just supplied a high school football hero with years of "i was totally gonna's", and probably inadvertently caused a fight several hours down the road.
To wit:
We weren't exactly going to Scarlett's. The plan was first dinner at Chicago Fire, the delicious pizza place connected to Scarlett's and Powerhouse. When Jeff and Kelly got there, though, there was a 90 minute wait for a table. But you can order Chicago Fire pizza at Scarlett's and they'll bring it to you, and the place was empty because it was like 7:30 or 8:00 only. Even by the time we left, around 10pm, it was finally getting a little bit crowded.
But yeah. That place is awful.
granted I've only been once, but i still don't understand how scarlett's does or does not relate to the Powerhouse.
also, i read the asterisks as they happened. i did not save them for later.
also, there was a cute girl there? wow.
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